"Hi, my name is Michal, and I'd love some advice about my daughter, Tamar."
"Of course, Michal. I'm all ears."
"Well, my daughter is talented and smart (I know, every mother says that, but it really is true…). And still, I'm a little embarrassed to say it, she manages to drive me up the wall almost every day. I can't tell you exactly what her problem is, and maybe not every behavior needs a label…
"My Tamar is 10, and what she loves to do most is… nothing! Drifting around, staring out the window, sitting on the couch and gazing into space. And… waiting for someone else to get her going, or to just do it for her!
"You know, Sarah, last week I thought I was losing my mind. The house was a mess, I was up to my ears, talking on the phone and rushing around trying to tidy whatever I could. Tamar was in the living room, and the baby was right next to her, crying and screaming. My hands were full and I couldn't get to him. And she does nothing! I mean, couldn't she just go over and give him his pacifier? Why will she only do it if I spell it out: 'Can you please give him his pacifier?'"
"Do you have more examples of her passivity," I ask Michal, "ones that have nothing to do with helping around the house?"
"Hmm… yes, actually, from this past Shabbos. At the Shabbos meal she didn't have a spoon for her soup, and Tamar just sat there like a statue and didn't eat! She didn't ask for a spoon, and she didn't get up and get one herself either! I don't get it. What's going on? Why is it so hard for her to help herself?!"
"Wow, Michal, that's a lot to deal with! And how are the other kids at home?"
"Nothing like that," Michal answers. "Look, I'm not the type who fusses over her kids and does everything for them. They're independent and they take care of themselves. But Tamar has been different from day one. You'll be surprised, but she was actually an amazing baby. So easy! The truth is, now that I think back, she was almost too easy. She didn't cry when she was hungry, and she'd lie quietly for hours without a peep. I had to stay on my toes just to know if she needed something. Back then I didn't realize it was strange. I was just happy to have some quiet. Now I understand it may have been a sign of a problem."
"Your instincts are right. But tell me more: how is she doing in school? With friends?"
"Honestly, learning has never been hard for her. Like I said, she's smart and talented and she catches on quickly. But when it comes to responsibility, remembering what to bring, taking care of her things, that's not exactly her strong point…
"Socially she's fine too. Her friends like her, she's attentive and gentle, but like I said, she doesn't take initiative. Her friends come to her more than she goes to them. Bottom line, the complaints are mostly at home… I just don't know what to do with her!"
"Look, Michal," I say, "from the overall picture you're giving me, I see a sweet, emotionally healthy girl with excellent learning abilities and good social skills, and her difficulty (or maybe yours…) is that she has a very passive nature. There may also be some difficulty with creativity and attention, but you can never know for sure without an assessment."
It all comes from weak, underdeveloped brain cells. Here's the plan:
"First of all, take a deep breath and relax. There are lots of ways to help her move forward. Anyone can move out of the spot they're stuck in, because Hashem created every person with bechirah. There's no such thing as a lost cause. Sometimes a person needs a push and some help to get up and start moving, but b'ezras Hashem, the results will come.
"Second, and this you can start today: you simply don't let her off the hook, and you don't cut her slack. What does that mean? You expect her to do everything she's able to do on her own, and you don't do it for her, even if it takes time, and even if you have to push her to do it.
"There's just one catch: no drama, no emotions. However much it gets on your nerves, you don't get angry! You calm yourself down: she isn't doing it on purpose. This is her nature, and it's the challenge sent to her from Shamayim, and to you too. You want things to be easier for her down the road, b'ezras Hashem, when she's running a home, earning a parnassah, and so on. So right now you don't give in to her, because you're not giving up on her!
"Of course, when you can see you have no strength or energy left, that's not the time to start the deeper work…
"Another thing I highly recommend: give her set jobs that aren't up for discussion. You don't have to start ordering her around and pushing; that comes gradually… Jobs are good for everyone, at every stage. Even a two-year-old can have a small job, like bringing the drink bottle to the table for the Shabbos meal. It gives children a sense of importance and belonging, and what matters most to us here is getting her to be a doer. Doing brings a joy and satisfaction that nothing else can give!"
"There's one more thing I want to ask you," I tell Michal. "What's Tamar's pace like? Does it take her a long time to get dressed? To get ready? Does she do things quickly, or does everything drag on?"
"You've touched a sore spot, Sarah," Michal answers. "Her pace really is very slow, so I'd rather ask the others at home for help. Getting ready for bed takes her hours, and I'm constantly reminding her to keep moving and hurry up. Her organization is pretty awful too: her things are scattered all over the house, and she's always losing them. A real nightmare."
"Usually, Michal, very passive children have a few difficulties working together that keep them from being doers. One of them is a lack of alertness, meaning they don't really see the space around them. Their heads are in the clouds… From what you're describing, it does sound like Tamar is missing alertness. So in addition, I'd recommend signing her up for gymnastics, a sport or something similar; swimming can help a lot too. Activities like these demand movement and pace, boost energy and build alertness. At home and outside, you can also encourage games like jump rope, Chinese jump rope, running and so on, which are great stimulation for kids who lack alertness.
"And before we finish, I'd like to suggest one more idea: a timer. A timer can help her get certain tasks done within a set time. For example, if she needs to put on her pajamas, you set a timer for 5 minutes…
"Try the things we talked about, and b'ezras Hashem you'll see it help a lot."
"Thank you so much, Sarah! I'm going to try it, and I hope we'll see good results."
Best of luck!
Names and identifying details have been changed.
Sarah Shugerman · Cognitive assessment and therapy through play
