"Hi Sarah, my name is Yael. You don't know me, but my son's morah suggested I talk to you."
"My son is two and a half, Baruch Hashem amazing, smart way beyond his age, and he talks and explains himself like a six-year-old. And don't think I'm just saying that. His morah told me to make sure you know it. But she thinks he has a rigid way of thinking that borders on anxiety; that's how she put it. She says he's a delightful, easygoing child and the other kids love him, but he has this odd 'thing': sometimes he gets stuck on something, and nobody can budge him for hours.
"For example, when they play in the playgroup yard, he decided that a certain bimba is his. So he sits on it for an hour and a half straight, explaining with perfect logic why this coveted bimba belongs to him and nobody else, and he won't give it up for anything. He won't even go to the bathroom, so no one will take it from him."
"Is his behavior disrupting the daily routine at playgroup?" I ask, trying to understand.
"The morah says it isn't," Yael says. "She manages with him, but she doesn't push him when he gets stuck like that. All in all, I'm not sure it's a problem, because he's not cut off from the world, and everyone has their own nature, and he'll have to learn to live with his…"
"You're right, not every behavior, even a slightly unusual one, is a problem. But there are a few things we need to check here. Is he the one running the show, or is he like any other child, where the grown-ups are in charge? And does the rigidity really get in the way of his growing, fitting in and functioning, or not? Because he gets stuck, does he miss out on things at playgroup?"
"Your first question," Yael says, "really makes me notice something important about him: he's the boss, he's the one who decides, and people are afraid to start up with him, because he won't give in and he'll cry terribly. Even when I'm with other people, they tell me, 'Just give it to him, look how he's crying…' And at home too, if he wants a toy his brother also wants, he's always the one who ends up with it! And about your second question, missing out at playgroup: honestly, yes, sometimes he does. The morah gave me another example. He can sit on the playgroup windowsill for a long time and refuse to come down, even if it's time for arts and crafts or something like that."
"A child who can't be guided, meaning you can't get him to do what he needs to do because you're his mother, you're in charge and you know what's good for him, lives in a constant power struggle, always testing who's stronger. He doesn't have the security of knowing there are strong parents behind him who know what's good for him, make decisions for him and steer him in the right direction. Instead, he feels that people are afraid of him, so he does whatever he wants. And that doesn't feel good to him."
"And why does the morah say the rigidity borders on anxiety?"
"Let me explain with another example… At the beginning of the year, one of the kids accidentally ran into him with a doll stroller, and he got a hard bump and was bleeding. Since then, that boy is crossed off in his eyes: he put him on his list of bad people, and he refuses to go near him or play with him. And if that boy sits down next to him, he just starts crying! He cries quite a lot in general.
"I think the morah is a little afraid of him. He explains everything to her so nicely, why it has to be exactly the way he wants, and she gives in. At home I stand my ground more, for example that he has to share toys with his sister. Even if he cries, I don't panic and I don't give in."
"So you end up butting heads with him a lot during the day?"
"Look," Yael says, "of course there are times I avoid 'starting up with him,' and there are times I have to remind myself that he's only a little boy, even though he argues with me like a grown-up…"
"Yael," I say, "what I'd suggest for now is to try something. At the end of the day, you want a happy, joyful child, not a sad and frustrated one."
"But Sarah," Yael says, alarmed, "he's not sad or frustrated at all! He's a very happy, much-loved child, he gets tons of attention, and everyone loves talking to him!"
"Wait, wait, no need to worry," I try to reassure her. "What I mean is that children with rigid thinking often get more stuck as they grow. They have more wants and more demands, and life makes demands too: how to behave in class, how to get along with other kids. And not everything goes exactly their way. That affects their happiness. When it's hard for a person to bend, things inevitably won't always go according to plan, because life calls for flexibility. Things change all the time. Even unexpected weather can ruin our plans, and if we have a hard time accepting that, we get frustrated.
"So what I suggest you try is… what? To help him become more flexible, and not let him sink into his rigidity. You can even make changes on purpose, like changing the menu or the daily routine, so he gets as used to change as possible. Something that can make it easier for him is letting him choose between two options that are fine with you. That way he still feels he's the one deciding, but within limits."
"And what do I tell the morah?"
"Same thing at playgroup. Talk to the morah and tell her you want to help him become more flexible, so you're asking her not to give in when he digs in his heels. Of course, everything should be done gradually and with compassion… And most of all, keep an eye on it and see what it does to him. Is he managing to get unstuck, or is he just crying all day? Is he adjusting to the changes, or is it making him tense and on edge?"
"How long do you think we should try this?"
"I'd say a month or two. Keep watching, and see whether the rigidity runs so deep that nothing helps, or whether he's able to roll with the changes."
"You know, Sarah," Yael hesitates, "I'm thinking again: why drive him crazy? This is how Hashem made him, and that's that. Why do I need to change him?"
"Look, Yael," I say, trying to lay it out. "Right now, while he's little, everything is much simpler. When he gets stuck, you and the morah feel sorry for him and give in. But when he's older and digs in his heels in class, his friends and his rebbi may not be so accommodating… And one more point, which may seem very far off, but is very important to know: married life is very, very hard without flexible thinking! Look, I don't want to scare you. There's no need to run to therapy right now. Try what we talked about, see how it goes, and let's be in touch."
Wishing you lots of success!
Thank you, Sarah, it was lovely talking. You've helped me so much!
Names and identifying details have been changed.
Sarah Shugerman · Cognitive assessment and therapy through play
