"Hi Sarah, this is Batsheva. I heard about you from a friend, and I wanted to ask you about my son, Chaim. He's four and a half. Is this a good time?"
"Yes, of course, Batsheva. What's your question?"
"Chaim is in cheder with a melamed, and he doesn't open his mouth or say a word in class. At home he talks beautifully and easily, but in cheder he doesn't talk to anyone. His speech came a little late, but nothing out of the ordinary."
When did you first notice it?
"I always saw that he was quieter outside the house, but I didn't realize how much. Last year, around Teves, his rebbi told us he doesn't talk in class. We didn't do anything about it right away, and then COVID started and there was a lockdown. That's when I really noticed how much more relaxed he was, and how much more easily he fell asleep."
"Look, Batsheva," I explain, "selective mutism, when a child who can speak doesn't speak in certain places, usually shows up in children who are born with a kind of inner tension in their nature. It leads to extreme shyness or to closing up very tightly, out of fear of making a mistake."
"Sarah," Batsheva tells me, "what scares me now is that the cheder is telling me he doesn't belong in a regular class and should be placed in a special communication class. And I know that's just not true! He has no communication problem at all! At home he talks beautifully, and with his friend, a neighbor he's used to, he communicates beautifully too when he comes over to play. It's just not fair to take a shy child and say he belongs in a special class!"
Batsheva is upset, and I try to calm her down. "I can hear how much this hurts," I tell her, "and that you're sure they've got it wrong over there in cheder. But let's remember that, at the end of the day, they want what's best for Chaim. Let's see how we can move forward, so things get better for him. There's no doubt that right now it isn't pleasant for Chaim either…"
"That's true," Batsheva agrees. "He really doesn't love going to cheder… But I think he's still so little, and they need to give him a chance, not decide right away that he doesn't belong."
"Very often, Batsheva," I say, "it's worth dealing with a problem while it's small, rather than waiting for it to grow. I think it's worth investing in Chaim now, so he doesn't feel too different, because that could affect how involved he is in learning and with friends!"
So what do you suggest we do?
"What's very important with Chaim is not to pressure him, so he doesn't feel he's being pushed to talk. In class, there need to be opportunities where he can feel more relaxed. For example, class activities where everyone shouts together, and whoever shouts along with everyone gets a sticker or a token. That way he'll want to earn one like everybody else, and he won't be afraid to open his mouth, because no one is focusing on him. You can also set up a daily routine: every morning, everyone says 'Good morning' to the friend sitting next to him, the whole class at the same time, and they earn points for saying it with a smile… And give him jobs in class too: handing something out, going to get something. Get him involved as much as possible."
"How am I supposed to make all of this happen?" Batsheva wonders. "I'm not exactly the rebbi of the class…"
"From experience," I say, "when you talk to the cheder staff in an open, accepting way, you'll find a listening ear. It really depends on how much cooperation there is with the staff. I think if you tell them you'd like to give him another adjustment period, while creating chances for him to open up, and that if you see it isn't working and he's not making any progress, you'll take him for therapy, they'll respond positively.
"That's for the classroom. At home, I'd suggest you also try to move things along: invite more friends over, and send him to friends' houses. Help him loosen up with trips to the park, and at home with fun craft materials like DAS, clay, shaving cream and finger paint, which can also help him relax. And in general, lots of hands-on activity, without zeroing in on his difficulty speaking outside the house, or with friends he isn't very close to.
"Wishing you so much success!"
Names and identifying details have been changed.
Sarah Shugerman · Cognitive assessment and therapy through play
