A tzaddik falls seven times, and gets up again.
Ruchi called me for a consultation about her five-year-old son.
"Hi Sarah," Ruchi began, "I wanted to ask your advice about my son. He's five, and he drives me crazy like a fifteen-year-old.
I have a feeling he's just lazy, and that he knows how to get everyone else to do things for him. It sounds terrible to label such a little kid that way, but unfortunately, that's the reality. His favorite lines are 'I'm too tired' and 'I can't.' He's too tired to get dressed by himself, too tired to throw something in the garbage, too tired to pick up the toys he scattered… Believe me, I even took him for a blood test to see if he was missing vitamins or something, but Baruch Hashem, all the results came back normal. I don't even know whether to be happy about it. Because if there's a reason, you can give him a supplement and help. But if everything is normal, then what do you do?
I really don't get it. When he wants something, suddenly he has tons of energy and ability, like climbing all the way up the closet to get a treat. But if I ask him to go downstairs and bring up a piece of laundry that fell off the line, forget it…"
"Ruchi," I tell her, "what you're describing is a lot of frustration with a typical child you expect more from. It sounds like the challenges every mother runs into, just in a bigger dose… It's hard for you to get him to cooperate."
"It's not just that, Sarah," Ruchi tells me. "It's also his crying. When things don't go the way he wanted, when he can't do what he wanted right away. Here's a small example: if he can't open his water bottle, he starts whining immediately. He's just a kid with a short fuse!"
"Excellent, Ruchi," I say, to her surprise... "You've basically described your child for me already. These behaviors are so familiar, and so is the frustration they bring… Because from what you're telling me, it sounds like his difficulty comes down to a weak capacity for effort, what we'd call ameilus. Let me try to explain what this capacity is, and what it means when it's lacking.
Effort is the ability to keep at something: to work on it and keep working on it, again and again, even when the result isn't perfect yet. Like the other areas, effort is a cognitive ability rooted in the brain cells. When the brain cells responsible for effort work properly, a person can try again and again, even when things are hard or he fails.
A child who lacks this capacity comes across as lazy and unmotivated, even when he really wants to please and be good. The problem is that he can't find the strength inside himself to cope. And it isn't really his fault. He was born with a smaller supply of strength than others… Not physical strength, but the strength that gets the physical strength going: motivation. That's his avodah in life…
A child or adult with a weak capacity for effort will tend to be passive and unmotivated, unable to delay gratification, and may have a low frustration threshold that can lead to angry outbursts. In children, we can spot it when they can't cope with difficulties, when they slip out of tasks at home and in class, and more. They'll also struggle to concentrate, because the 'engine' that keeps each of us attentive and focused barely runs in them.
As for your sweet son, I don't think he needs urgent therapy. You can start by making a change at home, on two different levels. The first is easy, and the second is harder:
The first level: avoid the struggles. In other words, set things up so he runs into fewer difficulties. Dress him yourself, don't ask him for things you know he won't do, and help him when he gets stuck.
I have to tell you, though, that while this approach will bring quiet at home, it isn't healthy for the child, because he doesn't learn to cope. True, you won't have to dress him when he's fifteen, but at fifteen he'll struggle to do what's expected of a fifteen-year-old… This approach is good for the short term: to calm things down, to give you the strength to get through the day, so that at the right time, you can use the second approach.
There also has to be a change on a second level, when you're not rushing and you're full of patience and energy!
And this is where the second kind of help you can give your child comes in: getting him to cope. For example, in the morning, when you're rushing, dress him. But in the evening, when it's time for pajamas, insist that he gets dressed completely by himself. A mother once told me about her daughter, who wanted wafers and also found it hard to make an effort… Her mother told her, 'You can have some, but open the package yourself.' Of course, suddenly the girl had a lot more ambition.
When you show your child that this time you're strong and won't give in, he also feels that you believe in his abilities, and he's more likely to cooperate. Even when he cries and complains, you don't get angry and you don't feel too sorry for him. Instead, you empathize with how hard it is, while staying sure he can handle what you asked of him! It's not beyond him!
When you don't give in, he has to cope, and that's how he gets stronger. Just like building up a muscle, he's building up his capacity for effort: the ability to cope through difficulty and failure, when he has to push himself and try again and again.
I remember my own little boy at the playground not long ago. He was two, and he asked me to help him climb onto the chicken spring rider. I didn't help him. I encouraged him to climb on by himself. He did it, and the huge smile of satisfaction that spread across his face is something I won't forget for a long time...
Of course, if you can't get him going no matter what, and you don't see any improvement, the difficulty may run deeper, and he may need therapy that will challenge him more. The games designed specifically to improve brain function are amazing, and you're welcome to try them…"
"In the meantime, Ruchi, take some time to digest all this. And how is the difficulty you're dealing with connected to the brain? We'll talk about that next time, b'ezras Hashem."
Names and identifying details have been changed.
Sarah Shugerman · Cognitive assessment and therapy through play
