Confused? Discouraged? Feeling stuck? Not sure how to handle your child?
Like any problem in life we want to solve, we go to the root. Developmental, learning and behavior problems usually come from one source: how the brain cells have developed. When the brain cells in a certain area haven't developed, the result can be difficulties across the whole spectrum…
So we want to find out which area of the brain is underdeveloped, and work on it. Just as you'd exercise a weak muscle, we match an exercise to the weak brain cell behind the impulsiveness, stubbornness, spacing out, language problems, social struggles and more.
When should we step in? When we feel things have tipped out of balance… when it's very hard right now, and when we're afraid of what's ahead.
Problems rarely go away. They change shape, or they get worse!
Let's look closely at one area of the brain: the one in charge of thinking, meaning self-control and problem-solving.
Chani was at her wit's end. Dovid was driving her up the wall. There was never a dull moment with him, and he had to be watched every second. And no, don't picture a two-year-old. Dovid is seven, a sweet, bright, charming boy, but he's into everything, and in trouble with everyone. Anything he picks up breaks. Any craft his sister makes ends up torn. Often it isn't even on purpose; he just wanted to check something… Let him shower alone, and there's sure to be an interesting experiment: what does water feel like with shampoo, conditioner and body wash all mixed in… ending with a flooded bathroom, for extra effect. Whoever walks past him gets pinched, and if a kid falls at the playground, it's probably because Dovid tripped him…
His rebbeim in cheder complain that his hands move faster than his head, and they're right. But here's the strange part: academically he's strong, and apart from the teasing, he communicates beautifully. He's quick and sharp, and he gets it! So who are you, Dovid? One minute you act like a baby, and the next you understand things like a grown-up? Can't you just behave normally?!
No, he can't. He would love nothing more than to be the perfect 'good boy', but he has a difficulty in thinking.
Thinking is tied to an area of brain cells responsible for self-control, stopping and problem-solving. When that area isn't developed enough, we see exactly the difficulties described above.
The ability to think is the special gift Hashem gave us, the thing that sets us apart from animals. They act on instinct, while a person can think, which means a person can choose. People are born with different levels of self-control, but this ability to think can be developed, improved and strengthened. It's what lets us be mature, control ourselves, and make good decisions we won't regret later.
To build this ability, give your child games that make him stop and think, like sudoku for kids, chess and more. Today there's a wonderful selection of beautiful thinking games, such as Fox Mind, Smart Games, Albetza, Kodkod and many others. You can find them easily in any toy store.
In more serious cases, therapy with the Cognitive Play method can help. It's a professional method that uses games chosen specifically to stimulate the brain cells responsible for self-control, so that they develop.
Other signs that can point to a difficulty in thinking: dependence on others, lack of restraint, acting first and regretting it later, impulsiveness, bothering other kids, trouble making decisions, and sometimes, as a result, passivity.
More tips to help you, even before his self-control improves:
- When you give him an instruction, make sure he's with you: ask him to repeat it back.
- Don't expect him to hear your voice and stop himself. Go over to him, and stop him yourself.
- Don't put him to the test. Clear away the temptations that set him up to fail.
- When he asks for help and you think he can manage on his own, tell him so, and encourage him to find the solution himself.
Names and identifying details have been changed.
Sarah Shugerman · Cognitive assessment and therapy through play
